A case of the "sorry-buts"

I'm sorry, but I still feel 20% bad, 80% good every day.

I'm sorry, but I still keep track of how old #1 should be (seven months next week)

I'm sorry, but I still keep track of where #2 and I should be now (18w5d)

I'm sorry, but I still (mostly) don't want to hear about yours or other's bfps. 

I'm sorry, but I don't have patience with hearing about what a pain your pregnancy or children are.

I'm sorry, but I can't act like I know that "everything will be fine" if I can't know if that is true.

I'm sorry, but if you tell me that "everything happens for a reason" I will be furious.

I'm sorry, but I am just trying to do what I can to be thankful for the wonderful things in my life, and not project out any regret with what I have that I love.

I'm sorry, but I still want this.

Back again, with another heartbreak.

Wow. Back in April, I was so tired of everything.

In May, I decided that I would finally begin charting my bbt. Yes, I was "that guy" who never did that. So embarrassing. I started charting the day my af was supposed to begin in May, but it never came? I waited a day, "Maybe I'm off by a day." Then I waited two days, "Okay, I don't want to get my hopes up." The third day, I couldn't take it any longer, and gave into the test. It was positive. I was stunned. I only have one tube, and to get a bfp after six months of ttcal, I could not believe it.

I saw my OB right away, because I was so scared of another ectopic. It was of course too early to tell. We told some of our family and friends right away, only those who knew about what happened last summer. They were so excited! I was so nervous and too scared to get excited.

The next week, it was still too early, but the sonogram showed a small sac, in my uterus!! That was exciting!! I was still worried as hell, but at least things were "in the right place" which has not happened before.

After my second appointment, I started spotting a bleeding. Then I was really scared. I went into my hospital immediate care, they said my test was still positive, and that I should just relax.

At my last appointment, I got to have another heart-wrenching sonogram, the second in my life. That small, tiny sac, was still just that. It had not grown at all. My OB said that we could do some tests, but they would all come back telling us what we already knew. That day I just wanted to be by myself and cry, and not have to "be fine" for anyone.

Last year and this year:

• I was pregnant in June
• I lost my baby
• I was due in February

This year, I was not in danger of dying. But now I am literally dead on the inside.

I feel:

• So pissed off
• Scared of this happening again, yet
• Anxious to try again
• Hurt
• Defeated
• Numb
• Emotional
• Sad everyday, since last June
• Betrayed
• Jealous
• Frustrated
• Stuck
• Unworthy of being happy
• Heartbroken
• Overwhelmed 
• Confused

I don't know what to do. I am taking off work this Thursday, the anniversary of my loss last year. Now I have two of those. I am so angry, that I want to hurry up and try again. I am so mad that I am in almost the same place I was last year. That's not entirely true, at least I am in no physical pain this time.

I was so worried this time around. I tried to not get attached, but as soon as that test said "pregnant," I was in love.

My DH is writing me a song. It's about me being sad, and that he's sad too, even if he doesn't show it like me. That's really sweet, but I wish he didn't feel compelled to write a song about something like this.

If I knew then what I know now, I would tell myself to not wait to try. It may have been easier back then too. Now it feels so daunting and overwhelming.

Now I'm just waiting. I don't know what I'm waiting for. I don't know if I'm waiting to pass what I had, or if I'm just waiting 4-6 weeks for af to show up? I am so confused.

Trying to stay positive is a challenge everyday, but that's all I can do at this point.

When do you know?

I feel like I'm done. I feel like I don't want to focus on this anymore. I give too much of my brain power towards thinking about this and the future. I am always stressing about it. I annoyingly still get that baby pressure from people, which drives me crazy. I spend way too much time thinking, and I feel like its weighing me down. It's like I just want to stop. Stop trying. Stop focusing on what I think I'm missing from my life. And this is not some "poor-me, maybe I'll just stop trying and it will happen" situations. I really feel like giving up. It's too stressful to keep going, especially in my specific situation. I just want my pain to not come up as often. I will always think of my baby I had, but it would be nice to forget about the "baby/babies" I might have. It's just too much. More on this later....

Jealousy

So, I googled "how to stop being jealous" today.

This week has felt really overwhelming in regards to jealousy.

I have two people in my life that I am jealous of. One has a baby, and I think plans on having more. Another is just beginning TTC. I am jealous of what the first person has, and I am waiting for her to announce her second pregnancy at some point. I am jealous of the second person for being so positive, innocent, and naive about TTC. I wish I was back in that phase. I just know that within the next year, I will have to endure the pain of pregnancy jealousy....again. It is so stupid of me to be jealous of something that has not exactly happened yet, but I am jealous all the same.

I have many positive things in my life that I am extremely grateful for, so I need to focus on that, instead of my heartache. I'm sure that there are people in my life who are jealous of something that I have, like my great job or my home. I have to stay positive. I love the life that I have.

Anxiety about announcements

I get so shaky and anxious when I hear about other people TTC. And I do not mean close friends, but other people like acquaintances and people around me. I just start feeling so stressed out and jealous. And I assume that it is so easy for other people, and that they just get their sunshine babies, without any problems. I'll just have to pretend that I am more excited than I really am. I do support others; but now with more reservation on my end I guess.

If I get another chance, I will still never have that feeling of ignorant bliss again. I will be freaking out the whole time. And I do not know if I will get another chance. That is also so stressful and frustrating.

Ugh. I just needed to get that out, and get over myself.

One month

Wow. My little one should be one month old today.

I've been feeling okay I guess, but things like this just hit me so hard sometimes.

I suppose that I will learn to deal with this forever.

It's sad to miss someone that you never had the privilege of meeting.

EDD and beyond

I made it through my EDD. I can't believe it finally happened. I took the day off from work because I didn't want to have to pretend that I was okay, if I wasn't. Josh took the day off with me too, which was really nice. We spent some really good quality time together. We went to the movies, had strawberry milkshakes, stopped by the craft store, then ended up going out for wine with some friends later.

I bought a small, red leather notebook. I wrote a "birthday card" for my "baby". I was sad, but writing made me feel better. I got a notebook so that I can continue to write birthday cards there in the future.

That week was also during my fertile time, so it was full of many different emotions, but I think it went well. We will wait and see what happens next.

35

Feeling down today. Down about shoulds.

Today I "should" be 35 weeks pregnant, and have 35 days to go until my due date.

So frustrating.

I cried this week when I asked my boss for my EDD day off. I really don't want to be at work that day.

I'm pissed because I have always loved Valentines Day. I love it because I love:

• Red and pink and white
• Shiny candy wrappers
• Frilly, lacey heart shaped decorations
• Glittery heart accessories
• Making little valentines
• Exchanging valentine cards with Josh. We don't usually have plans for anything that day, I'm not a candy, flowers, diamond jewelry type gal. We always make each other cards and its really special.

This weekend I will plan what I want to do for my due date. I think I want to plant some flowers or something, and then spend the day with Josh.

I just want it to be simple and special.

Come on, 2013!

I am glad Christmas is over. Emotionally, it was fine. I didn't drink too much and I got to see my family as well as my in-laws.

I am looking forward to many things in 2013:

• Paying off my medical bills! Early too, thanks to my DH's extra payment :) I think we should have champagne when it's all over.

• Preparing for our EDD. I might take the day off, I'm not sure yet. I know it's going to be hard, and I know I want to do some sort of remembrance that day, and probably forever.

• We are going back to Disneyland in the end of February, woohoo! We are going with some friends, which are the same friends that we went with on our first trip together. Gotta get things ready for that as well.

• We are also going to plan a trip to Monterey, CA with some friends. that will be so fun and relaxing.

• I want to plan a trip up to Portland to visit my brother and cousin too.... I have so many travel plans!

Okay, back to my week off, yay!

Why do I torment myself?

I am "supposed" to be 28 weeks tomorrow. The first day of the third trimester. Why can't I stop keeping track? It only makes me sad.

I'm asking for the same thing this Christmas that I asked for last Christmas, a BFP. We'll see what happens.

Right now, I am feeling calm about everything, but who knows how I will feel in the next minute. I hope the calm feelings last for a while, at least until this new year.

A year later...

It's been one year since we began trying. We were close for a second, but that dream was literally ripped away from me.

2013 better be awesome, because 2012 sure sucked.

To begin again

We are heading to Disneyland this weekend to "officially" begin TTC again. I am anxious yet excited to start a new chapter in our life. They say you can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one, so I'm trying to start that fresh page of my story. We will see what happens next!

best and worst

I'd like to update with "what feels the best" and "what feels the worst" lists.

What feels the best?

• My amazing husband, who always cheers me up and listens to me.
• All the love and support Josh and I have received from our family and friends.
• That we will begin TTC again next month. I hope it won't take six months again.
• I am trying to be hopeful that since I am left-handed, and I only have my left tube, that that will somehow help me?

What feels the worst?

• That I can't stop keeping track of "where I should be"... I should be almost 19wks, almost half way there... I really need to stop. It makes me sad.
• The anxiety that someone I know will just announce that they are expecting. I (luckily...[sorry]) have not experienced this yet, but I am dreading it.

At this point, I feel like I will always be in the "healing" stage. I have been feeling better about things, but I am not sure what to expect each day. I need to focus on the positive... I have four good things and only two bad things, that's good, right??

It's been two months, and four weeks today.

We have one month, one week, and four days until we will be in Disneyland, on our continued TTC journey.

healing

Healing on the inside really takes time.  Josh and I try to spend time talking about it, working towards feeling better about things. Right now, I don't think about it every minute of every day, which is a good thing. At this point, I still think about it at least a half-dozen times per day. Not thinking about it does not mean that I have forgotten, it just means that my mind is not entirely focused on it.

I've been feeling better recently, but it is hard when it feels like those that surround you think you are "all better now" and "have moved on" (whatever that means). Just because I can tell a funny story, and smile and laugh, it does not mean that I am "back to normal" (again... whatever that means). This situation gradually becomes easier to deal with and live with, but it won't be something I just eventually forget about.

I know it is still very far away, but I am already worried about my EDD. I want to plan for Josh and I to do something special on that date. We usually do not make a big deal about the day. We usually just make each other cards. I like Valentine's Day because I like little heart decorations, I like pink and red and white, I like glitter and stickers, and making valentines.

This is what I bought myself in the couple weeks after my surgery:

silver heart ring from Etsy - Mineology

I am in love with it. It is so dainty and adorable. I have worn it each day since it came in the mail. I look at it all day. I think it really helps me feel better. It represents everything so simply.

I never heard your heartbeat.
I never saw you.
I never met you.
I never saw you grow inside.
I never held you close.
I never heard your cry.
I never soothed you.
I never taught you anything.
I never heard your laugh.
I never saw you grow.
But I already loved you.
I will never forget you.

Thank you for the love you brought to our hearts, if only for a brief time.

Once upon a time...

This is my new space to jot down my journey towards expanding my family.

I love my husband Josh very much. We sincerely have a great life. I would not change anything about the life we have. I can't believe how wonderful he is and how amazing he makes me feel.

We met when I was a senior in high school. He liked my knee socks. I still wear knee socks to this day.

We began dating on May 19th, 2004. We kissed during a summer thunder storm. It was very electric and magical. Later he would propose to me in that exact same spot, two years later on our anniversary. It was even more magical!

Our wedding in 2007 was lovely. Our ceremony was at the Bidwell Mansion, and our reception at the Arroyo Room Downtown. Our honeymoon in Disney World was so awesome, we can't wait to go back someday.

Josh and I have been TTC since November 2011. We had a BFP on June 5, 2012, a couple of days after our five-year anniversary!! We were so excited! I couldn't believe it!

Then a couple of weeks later, everything changed. I experienced a ruptured ectopic pregnancy, resulting in a trip to the hospital, emergency surgery, a two-night stay in the hospital, and the loss of my right fallopian tube.

We are still processing and recovering from our eventful summer.

Josh and I are looking forward to begin our TTC journey again in October.



So....... that is a HUGE re-cap of my backstory and where I'm at now.

Anyway, here we go, continuing our story.

jenny