In May, I decided that I would finally begin charting my bbt. Yes, I was "that guy" who never did that. So embarrassing. I started charting the day my af was supposed to begin in May, but it never came? I waited a day, "Maybe I'm off by a day." Then I waited two days, "Okay, I don't want to get my hopes up." The third day, I couldn't take it any longer, and gave into the test. It was positive. I was stunned. I only have one tube, and to get a bfp after six months of ttcal, I could not believe it.
I saw my OB right away, because I was so scared of another ectopic. It was of course too early to tell. We told some of our family and friends right away, only those who knew about what happened last summer. They were so excited! I was so nervous and too scared to get excited.
The next week, it was still too early, but the sonogram showed a small sac, in my uterus!! That was exciting!! I was still worried as hell, but at least things were "in the right place" which has not happened before.
After my second appointment, I started spotting a bleeding. Then I was really scared. I went into my hospital immediate care, they said my test was still positive, and that I should just relax.
At my last appointment, I got to have another heart-wrenching sonogram, the second in my life. That small, tiny sac, was still just that. It had not grown at all. My OB said that we could do some tests, but they would all come back telling us what we already knew. That day I just wanted to be by myself and cry, and not have to "be fine" for anyone.
Last year and this year:
- I was pregnant in June
- I lost my baby
- I was due in February
This year, I was not in danger of dying. But now I am literally dead on the inside.
I feel:
- So pissed off
- Scared of this happening again, yet
- Anxious to try again
- Hurt
- Defeated
- Numb
- Emotional
- Sad everyday, since last June
- Betrayed
- Jealous
- Frustrated
- Stuck
- Unworthy of being happy
- Heartbroken
- Overwhelmed
- Confused
I don't know what to do. I am taking off work this Thursday, the anniversary of my loss last year. Now I have two of those. I am so angry, that I want to hurry up and try again. I am so mad that I am in almost the same place I was last year. That's not entirely true, at least I am in no physical pain this time.
I was so worried this time around. I tried to not get attached, but as soon as that test said "pregnant," I was in love.
My DH is writing me a song. It's about me being sad, and that he's sad too, even if he doesn't show it like me. That's really sweet, but I wish he didn't feel compelled to write a song about something like this.
If I knew then what I know now, I would tell myself to not wait to try. It may have been easier back then too. Now it feels so daunting and overwhelming.
Now I'm just waiting. I don't know what I'm waiting for. I don't know if I'm waiting to pass what I had, or if I'm just waiting 4-6 weeks for af to show up? I am so confused.
Trying to stay positive is a challenge everyday, but that's all I can do at this point.
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