Come on, 2013!

I am glad Christmas is over. Emotionally, it was fine. I didn't drink too much and I got to see my family as well as my in-laws.

I am looking forward to many things in 2013:

• Paying off my medical bills! Early too, thanks to my DH's extra payment :) I think we should have champagne when it's all over.

• Preparing for our EDD. I might take the day off, I'm not sure yet. I know it's going to be hard, and I know I want to do some sort of remembrance that day, and probably forever.

• We are going back to Disneyland in the end of February, woohoo! We are going with some friends, which are the same friends that we went with on our first trip together. Gotta get things ready for that as well.

• We are also going to plan a trip to Monterey, CA with some friends. that will be so fun and relaxing.

• I want to plan a trip up to Portland to visit my brother and cousin too.... I have so many travel plans!

Okay, back to my week off, yay!

Why do I torment myself?

I am "supposed" to be 28 weeks tomorrow. The first day of the third trimester. Why can't I stop keeping track? It only makes me sad.

I'm asking for the same thing this Christmas that I asked for last Christmas, a BFP. We'll see what happens.

Right now, I am feeling calm about everything, but who knows how I will feel in the next minute. I hope the calm feelings last for a while, at least until this new year.

A year later...

It's been one year since we began trying. We were close for a second, but that dream was literally ripped away from me.

2013 better be awesome, because 2012 sure sucked.

To begin again

We are heading to Disneyland this weekend to "officially" begin TTC again. I am anxious yet excited to start a new chapter in our life. They say you can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one, so I'm trying to start that fresh page of my story. We will see what happens next!

best and worst

I'd like to update with "what feels the best" and "what feels the worst" lists.

What feels the best?

• My amazing husband, who always cheers me up and listens to me.
• All the love and support Josh and I have received from our family and friends.
• That we will begin TTC again next month. I hope it won't take six months again.
• I am trying to be hopeful that since I am left-handed, and I only have my left tube, that that will somehow help me?

What feels the worst?

• That I can't stop keeping track of "where I should be"... I should be almost 19wks, almost half way there... I really need to stop. It makes me sad.
• The anxiety that someone I know will just announce that they are expecting. I (luckily...[sorry]) have not experienced this yet, but I am dreading it.

At this point, I feel like I will always be in the "healing" stage. I have been feeling better about things, but I am not sure what to expect each day. I need to focus on the positive... I have four good things and only two bad things, that's good, right??

It's been two months, and four weeks today.

We have one month, one week, and four days until we will be in Disneyland, on our continued TTC journey.

healing

Healing on the inside really takes time.  Josh and I try to spend time talking about it, working towards feeling better about things. Right now, I don't think about it every minute of every day, which is a good thing. At this point, I still think about it at least a half-dozen times per day. Not thinking about it does not mean that I have forgotten, it just means that my mind is not entirely focused on it.

I've been feeling better recently, but it is hard when it feels like those that surround you think you are "all better now" and "have moved on" (whatever that means). Just because I can tell a funny story, and smile and laugh, it does not mean that I am "back to normal" (again... whatever that means). This situation gradually becomes easier to deal with and live with, but it won't be something I just eventually forget about.

I know it is still very far away, but I am already worried about my EDD. I want to plan for Josh and I to do something special on that date. We usually do not make a big deal about the day. We usually just make each other cards. I like Valentine's Day because I like little heart decorations, I like pink and red and white, I like glitter and stickers, and making valentines.

This is what I bought myself in the couple weeks after my surgery:

silver heart ring from Etsy - Mineology

I am in love with it. It is so dainty and adorable. I have worn it each day since it came in the mail. I look at it all day. I think it really helps me feel better. It represents everything so simply.

I never heard your heartbeat.
I never saw you.
I never met you.
I never saw you grow inside.
I never held you close.
I never heard your cry.
I never soothed you.
I never taught you anything.
I never heard your laugh.
I never saw you grow.
But I already loved you.
I will never forget you.

Thank you for the love you brought to our hearts, if only for a brief time.

Once upon a time...

This is my new space to jot down my journey towards expanding my family.

I love my husband Josh very much. We sincerely have a great life. I would not change anything about the life we have. I can't believe how wonderful he is and how amazing he makes me feel.

We met when I was a senior in high school. He liked my knee socks. I still wear knee socks to this day.

We began dating on May 19th, 2004. We kissed during a summer thunder storm. It was very electric and magical. Later he would propose to me in that exact same spot, two years later on our anniversary. It was even more magical!

Our wedding in 2007 was lovely. Our ceremony was at the Bidwell Mansion, and our reception at the Arroyo Room Downtown. Our honeymoon in Disney World was so awesome, we can't wait to go back someday.

Josh and I have been TTC since November 2011. We had a BFP on June 5, 2012, a couple of days after our five-year anniversary!! We were so excited! I couldn't believe it!

Then a couple of weeks later, everything changed. I experienced a ruptured ectopic pregnancy, resulting in a trip to the hospital, emergency surgery, a two-night stay in the hospital, and the loss of my right fallopian tube.

We are still processing and recovering from our eventful summer.

Josh and I are looking forward to begin our TTC journey again in October.



So....... that is a HUGE re-cap of my backstory and where I'm at now.

Anyway, here we go, continuing our story.

jenny