healing

Healing on the inside really takes time.  Josh and I try to spend time talking about it, working towards feeling better about things. Right now, I don't think about it every minute of every day, which is a good thing. At this point, I still think about it at least a half-dozen times per day. Not thinking about it does not mean that I have forgotten, it just means that my mind is not entirely focused on it.

I've been feeling better recently, but it is hard when it feels like those that surround you think you are "all better now" and "have moved on" (whatever that means). Just because I can tell a funny story, and smile and laugh, it does not mean that I am "back to normal" (again... whatever that means). This situation gradually becomes easier to deal with and live with, but it won't be something I just eventually forget about.

I know it is still very far away, but I am already worried about my EDD. I want to plan for Josh and I to do something special on that date. We usually do not make a big deal about the day. We usually just make each other cards. I like Valentine's Day because I like little heart decorations, I like pink and red and white, I like glitter and stickers, and making valentines.

This is what I bought myself in the couple weeks after my surgery:

silver heart ring from Etsy - Mineology

I am in love with it. It is so dainty and adorable. I have worn it each day since it came in the mail. I look at it all day. I think it really helps me feel better. It represents everything so simply.

I never heard your heartbeat.
I never saw you.
I never met you.
I never saw you grow inside.
I never held you close.
I never heard your cry.
I never soothed you.
I never taught you anything.
I never heard your laugh.
I never saw you grow.
But I already loved you.
I will never forget you.

Thank you for the love you brought to our hearts, if only for a brief time.

Once upon a time...

This is my new space to jot down my journey towards expanding my family.

I love my husband Josh very much. We sincerely have a great life. I would not change anything about the life we have. I can't believe how wonderful he is and how amazing he makes me feel.

We met when I was a senior in high school. He liked my knee socks. I still wear knee socks to this day.

We began dating on May 19th, 2004. We kissed during a summer thunder storm. It was very electric and magical. Later he would propose to me in that exact same spot, two years later on our anniversary. It was even more magical!

Our wedding in 2007 was lovely. Our ceremony was at the Bidwell Mansion, and our reception at the Arroyo Room Downtown. Our honeymoon in Disney World was so awesome, we can't wait to go back someday.

Josh and I have been TTC since November 2011. We had a BFP on June 5, 2012, a couple of days after our five-year anniversary!! We were so excited! I couldn't believe it!

Then a couple of weeks later, everything changed. I experienced a ruptured ectopic pregnancy, resulting in a trip to the hospital, emergency surgery, a two-night stay in the hospital, and the loss of my right fallopian tube.

We are still processing and recovering from our eventful summer.

Josh and I are looking forward to begin our TTC journey again in October.



So....... that is a HUGE re-cap of my backstory and where I'm at now.

Anyway, here we go, continuing our story.

jenny