When do you know?

I feel like I'm done. I feel like I don't want to focus on this anymore. I give too much of my brain power towards thinking about this and the future. I am always stressing about it. I annoyingly still get that baby pressure from people, which drives me crazy. I spend way too much time thinking, and I feel like its weighing me down. It's like I just want to stop. Stop trying. Stop focusing on what I think I'm missing from my life. And this is not some "poor-me, maybe I'll just stop trying and it will happen" situations. I really feel like giving up. It's too stressful to keep going, especially in my specific situation. I just want my pain to not come up as often. I will always think of my baby I had, but it would be nice to forget about the "baby/babies" I might have. It's just too much. More on this later....

Jealousy

So, I googled "how to stop being jealous" today.

This week has felt really overwhelming in regards to jealousy.

I have two people in my life that I am jealous of. One has a baby, and I think plans on having more. Another is just beginning TTC. I am jealous of what the first person has, and I am waiting for her to announce her second pregnancy at some point. I am jealous of the second person for being so positive, innocent, and naive about TTC. I wish I was back in that phase. I just know that within the next year, I will have to endure the pain of pregnancy jealousy....again. It is so stupid of me to be jealous of something that has not exactly happened yet, but I am jealous all the same.

I have many positive things in my life that I am extremely grateful for, so I need to focus on that, instead of my heartache. I'm sure that there are people in my life who are jealous of something that I have, like my great job or my home. I have to stay positive. I love the life that I have.

Anxiety about announcements

I get so shaky and anxious when I hear about other people TTC. And I do not mean close friends, but other people like acquaintances and people around me. I just start feeling so stressed out and jealous. And I assume that it is so easy for other people, and that they just get their sunshine babies, without any problems. I'll just have to pretend that I am more excited than I really am. I do support others; but now with more reservation on my end I guess.

If I get another chance, I will still never have that feeling of ignorant bliss again. I will be freaking out the whole time. And I do not know if I will get another chance. That is also so stressful and frustrating.

Ugh. I just needed to get that out, and get over myself.

One month

Wow. My little one should be one month old today.

I've been feeling okay I guess, but things like this just hit me so hard sometimes.

I suppose that I will learn to deal with this forever.

It's sad to miss someone that you never had the privilege of meeting.

EDD and beyond

I made it through my EDD. I can't believe it finally happened. I took the day off from work because I didn't want to have to pretend that I was okay, if I wasn't. Josh took the day off with me too, which was really nice. We spent some really good quality time together. We went to the movies, had strawberry milkshakes, stopped by the craft store, then ended up going out for wine with some friends later.

I bought a small, red leather notebook. I wrote a "birthday card" for my "baby". I was sad, but writing made me feel better. I got a notebook so that I can continue to write birthday cards there in the future.

That week was also during my fertile time, so it was full of many different emotions, but I think it went well. We will wait and see what happens next.

35

Feeling down today. Down about shoulds.

Today I "should" be 35 weeks pregnant, and have 35 days to go until my due date.

So frustrating.

I cried this week when I asked my boss for my EDD day off. I really don't want to be at work that day.

I'm pissed because I have always loved Valentines Day. I love it because I love:

• Red and pink and white
• Shiny candy wrappers
• Frilly, lacey heart shaped decorations
• Glittery heart accessories
• Making little valentines
• Exchanging valentine cards with Josh. We don't usually have plans for anything that day, I'm not a candy, flowers, diamond jewelry type gal. We always make each other cards and its really special.

This weekend I will plan what I want to do for my due date. I think I want to plant some flowers or something, and then spend the day with Josh.

I just want it to be simple and special.

Come on, 2013!

I am glad Christmas is over. Emotionally, it was fine. I didn't drink too much and I got to see my family as well as my in-laws.

I am looking forward to many things in 2013:

• Paying off my medical bills! Early too, thanks to my DH's extra payment :) I think we should have champagne when it's all over.

• Preparing for our EDD. I might take the day off, I'm not sure yet. I know it's going to be hard, and I know I want to do some sort of remembrance that day, and probably forever.

• We are going back to Disneyland in the end of February, woohoo! We are going with some friends, which are the same friends that we went with on our first trip together. Gotta get things ready for that as well.

• We are also going to plan a trip to Monterey, CA with some friends. that will be so fun and relaxing.

• I want to plan a trip up to Portland to visit my brother and cousin too.... I have so many travel plans!

Okay, back to my week off, yay!