EDD and beyond

I made it through my EDD. I can't believe it finally happened. I took the day off from work because I didn't want to have to pretend that I was okay, if I wasn't. Josh took the day off with me too, which was really nice. We spent some really good quality time together. We went to the movies, had strawberry milkshakes, stopped by the craft store, then ended up going out for wine with some friends later.

I bought a small, red leather notebook. I wrote a "birthday card" for my "baby". I was sad, but writing made me feel better. I got a notebook so that I can continue to write birthday cards there in the future.

That week was also during my fertile time, so it was full of many different emotions, but I think it went well. We will wait and see what happens next.

35

Feeling down today. Down about shoulds.

Today I "should" be 35 weeks pregnant, and have 35 days to go until my due date.

So frustrating.

I cried this week when I asked my boss for my EDD day off. I really don't want to be at work that day.

I'm pissed because I have always loved Valentines Day. I love it because I love:

• Red and pink and white
• Shiny candy wrappers
• Frilly, lacey heart shaped decorations
• Glittery heart accessories
• Making little valentines
• Exchanging valentine cards with Josh. We don't usually have plans for anything that day, I'm not a candy, flowers, diamond jewelry type gal. We always make each other cards and its really special.

This weekend I will plan what I want to do for my due date. I think I want to plant some flowers or something, and then spend the day with Josh.

I just want it to be simple and special.

Come on, 2013!

I am glad Christmas is over. Emotionally, it was fine. I didn't drink too much and I got to see my family as well as my in-laws.

I am looking forward to many things in 2013:

• Paying off my medical bills! Early too, thanks to my DH's extra payment :) I think we should have champagne when it's all over.

• Preparing for our EDD. I might take the day off, I'm not sure yet. I know it's going to be hard, and I know I want to do some sort of remembrance that day, and probably forever.

• We are going back to Disneyland in the end of February, woohoo! We are going with some friends, which are the same friends that we went with on our first trip together. Gotta get things ready for that as well.

• We are also going to plan a trip to Monterey, CA with some friends. that will be so fun and relaxing.

• I want to plan a trip up to Portland to visit my brother and cousin too.... I have so many travel plans!

Okay, back to my week off, yay!

Why do I torment myself?

I am "supposed" to be 28 weeks tomorrow. The first day of the third trimester. Why can't I stop keeping track? It only makes me sad.

I'm asking for the same thing this Christmas that I asked for last Christmas, a BFP. We'll see what happens.

Right now, I am feeling calm about everything, but who knows how I will feel in the next minute. I hope the calm feelings last for a while, at least until this new year.

A year later...

It's been one year since we began trying. We were close for a second, but that dream was literally ripped away from me.

2013 better be awesome, because 2012 sure sucked.

To begin again

We are heading to Disneyland this weekend to "officially" begin TTC again. I am anxious yet excited to start a new chapter in our life. They say you can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one, so I'm trying to start that fresh page of my story. We will see what happens next!

best and worst

I'd like to update with "what feels the best" and "what feels the worst" lists.

What feels the best?

• My amazing husband, who always cheers me up and listens to me.
• All the love and support Josh and I have received from our family and friends.
• That we will begin TTC again next month. I hope it won't take six months again.
• I am trying to be hopeful that since I am left-handed, and I only have my left tube, that that will somehow help me?

What feels the worst?

• That I can't stop keeping track of "where I should be"... I should be almost 19wks, almost half way there... I really need to stop. It makes me sad.
• The anxiety that someone I know will just announce that they are expecting. I (luckily...[sorry]) have not experienced this yet, but I am dreading it.

At this point, I feel like I will always be in the "healing" stage. I have been feeling better about things, but I am not sure what to expect each day. I need to focus on the positive... I have four good things and only two bad things, that's good, right??

It's been two months, and four weeks today.

We have one month, one week, and four days until we will be in Disneyland, on our continued TTC journey.