A case of the "sorry-buts"

I'm sorry, but I still feel 20% bad, 80% good every day.

I'm sorry, but I still keep track of how old #1 should be (seven months next week)

I'm sorry, but I still keep track of where #2 and I should be now (18w5d)

I'm sorry, but I still (mostly) don't want to hear about yours or other's bfps. 

I'm sorry, but I don't have patience with hearing about what a pain your pregnancy or children are.

I'm sorry, but I can't act like I know that "everything will be fine" if I can't know if that is true.

I'm sorry, but if you tell me that "everything happens for a reason" I will be furious.

I'm sorry, but I am just trying to do what I can to be thankful for the wonderful things in my life, and not project out any regret with what I have that I love.

I'm sorry, but I still want this.

Back again, with another heartbreak.

Wow. Back in April, I was so tired of everything.

In May, I decided that I would finally begin charting my bbt. Yes, I was "that guy" who never did that. So embarrassing. I started charting the day my af was supposed to begin in May, but it never came? I waited a day, "Maybe I'm off by a day." Then I waited two days, "Okay, I don't want to get my hopes up." The third day, I couldn't take it any longer, and gave into the test. It was positive. I was stunned. I only have one tube, and to get a bfp after six months of ttcal, I could not believe it.

I saw my OB right away, because I was so scared of another ectopic. It was of course too early to tell. We told some of our family and friends right away, only those who knew about what happened last summer. They were so excited! I was so nervous and too scared to get excited.

The next week, it was still too early, but the sonogram showed a small sac, in my uterus!! That was exciting!! I was still worried as hell, but at least things were "in the right place" which has not happened before.

After my second appointment, I started spotting a bleeding. Then I was really scared. I went into my hospital immediate care, they said my test was still positive, and that I should just relax.

At my last appointment, I got to have another heart-wrenching sonogram, the second in my life. That small, tiny sac, was still just that. It had not grown at all. My OB said that we could do some tests, but they would all come back telling us what we already knew. That day I just wanted to be by myself and cry, and not have to "be fine" for anyone.

Last year and this year:

• I was pregnant in June
• I lost my baby
• I was due in February

This year, I was not in danger of dying. But now I am literally dead on the inside.

I feel:

• So pissed off
• Scared of this happening again, yet
• Anxious to try again
• Hurt
• Defeated
• Numb
• Emotional
• Sad everyday, since last June
• Betrayed
• Jealous
• Frustrated
• Stuck
• Unworthy of being happy
• Heartbroken
• Overwhelmed 
• Confused

I don't know what to do. I am taking off work this Thursday, the anniversary of my loss last year. Now I have two of those. I am so angry, that I want to hurry up and try again. I am so mad that I am in almost the same place I was last year. That's not entirely true, at least I am in no physical pain this time.

I was so worried this time around. I tried to not get attached, but as soon as that test said "pregnant," I was in love.

My DH is writing me a song. It's about me being sad, and that he's sad too, even if he doesn't show it like me. That's really sweet, but I wish he didn't feel compelled to write a song about something like this.

If I knew then what I know now, I would tell myself to not wait to try. It may have been easier back then too. Now it feels so daunting and overwhelming.

Now I'm just waiting. I don't know what I'm waiting for. I don't know if I'm waiting to pass what I had, or if I'm just waiting 4-6 weeks for af to show up? I am so confused.

Trying to stay positive is a challenge everyday, but that's all I can do at this point.

When do you know?

I feel like I'm done. I feel like I don't want to focus on this anymore. I give too much of my brain power towards thinking about this and the future. I am always stressing about it. I annoyingly still get that baby pressure from people, which drives me crazy. I spend way too much time thinking, and I feel like its weighing me down. It's like I just want to stop. Stop trying. Stop focusing on what I think I'm missing from my life. And this is not some "poor-me, maybe I'll just stop trying and it will happen" situations. I really feel like giving up. It's too stressful to keep going, especially in my specific situation. I just want my pain to not come up as often. I will always think of my baby I had, but it would be nice to forget about the "baby/babies" I might have. It's just too much. More on this later....

Jealousy

So, I googled "how to stop being jealous" today.

This week has felt really overwhelming in regards to jealousy.

I have two people in my life that I am jealous of. One has a baby, and I think plans on having more. Another is just beginning TTC. I am jealous of what the first person has, and I am waiting for her to announce her second pregnancy at some point. I am jealous of the second person for being so positive, innocent, and naive about TTC. I wish I was back in that phase. I just know that within the next year, I will have to endure the pain of pregnancy jealousy....again. It is so stupid of me to be jealous of something that has not exactly happened yet, but I am jealous all the same.

I have many positive things in my life that I am extremely grateful for, so I need to focus on that, instead of my heartache. I'm sure that there are people in my life who are jealous of something that I have, like my great job or my home. I have to stay positive. I love the life that I have.

Anxiety about announcements

I get so shaky and anxious when I hear about other people TTC. And I do not mean close friends, but other people like acquaintances and people around me. I just start feeling so stressed out and jealous. And I assume that it is so easy for other people, and that they just get their sunshine babies, without any problems. I'll just have to pretend that I am more excited than I really am. I do support others; but now with more reservation on my end I guess.

If I get another chance, I will still never have that feeling of ignorant bliss again. I will be freaking out the whole time. And I do not know if I will get another chance. That is also so stressful and frustrating.

Ugh. I just needed to get that out, and get over myself.

One month

Wow. My little one should be one month old today.

I've been feeling okay I guess, but things like this just hit me so hard sometimes.

I suppose that I will learn to deal with this forever.

It's sad to miss someone that you never had the privilege of meeting.

EDD and beyond

I made it through my EDD. I can't believe it finally happened. I took the day off from work because I didn't want to have to pretend that I was okay, if I wasn't. Josh took the day off with me too, which was really nice. We spent some really good quality time together. We went to the movies, had strawberry milkshakes, stopped by the craft store, then ended up going out for wine with some friends later.

I bought a small, red leather notebook. I wrote a "birthday card" for my "baby". I was sad, but writing made me feel better. I got a notebook so that I can continue to write birthday cards there in the future.

That week was also during my fertile time, so it was full of many different emotions, but I think it went well. We will wait and see what happens next.